But doesn't RPing normally mean stepping out of one's self? Adopting a new personality and all that? So shouldn't you be able to put aside some personal shit that happened between you and another partner? I mean, that's just me. Maybe I'm fucking retarded, but that seems the case. Honestly. I'm fucking tired of waiting on her to fucking reply all the time. I really like our RPs. But she constantly just takes these enormous fucking breaks for no god damn reason and it's infuriating. It's dumb, but she's one of my favorite RP partners and NO ONE ELSE who I used to love to RP with does anymore. It's just not the fucking same and I really fucking miss it. And I wish I could air these grievances to her, but no. I fucking can't. I know her too fucking well. and I know that she won't be able to take it and it'll just start another fucking fight and it will only get fucking worse. Honestly, I shouldn't have started talking to her in the first place. Shoulda just stuck to RPing.

Well, the title says it, but let me explain. So recently I started talking to this chick online. And she's really cool and all that and we talk all the time and I like her a lot. We talk on Skype so we're like, actually talking and we can know what the other looks like. Now, honestly, I'll admit, she isn't a knockout or anything, but she's fairly pretty. And so, we realized that we wanted to meet up and I have a car. And as it turns out, she lives about six hours away from where I go to school, where I'll be living for the next two years, at least, but that's another story.

So, I actually found enough money to drive out and see her. Now, here's something that should've tipped me off that I shouldn't have gone: I had to get a hotel room for two nights. She's not allowed to have guests in her room at all, so I couldn't stay with her. Now, I'll grant that there's a level of 'propriety' or whatever the word is and basically I shouldn't spend the night in her room anyways, but whatever. Point is, I wasted like $150 just on the room. Then there's the drive which cost like $45 one way, without food. So that was a pain. Here's where it gets kind of painful.

On the way there, I drove fast. Of course I did. Why would I go the speed limit on the highway for six fucking hours? I needed to reduce that shit. So fuck yes I sped. And I got caught by a cop. So, of course I got a fucking ticket. So, that's another $150 that's just out the fucking window. So I get to her school and I can't even see her because they have a lock down after a certain time and I got there well after. But then there's the next day. Okay, cool.

So the next day, I meet her and we hang out and have fun. But there were a few things about it that really bothered me about it. Here's the first: I initiated the first kiss and there wasn't anything special about it. Now, I know that this is really just Hollywood and Disney affecting me, but I expected something special about my first kiss. Yes, it was my first, shut the fuck up. Anywho, it was just awkward really. And then she started getting paranoid about her brother seeing us together and getting angry. So she decided we ought cut hanging out short. So we hug and kissed. Now this moment truly threw me off in retrospect: I'm hugging her and I looked up at her and she's got her eyes closed and her lips puckered out. And of course I kissed her back and closed my eyes. But looking back on that moment, it truly makes me uncomfortable, that picture of her in my mind. So that's... irritating, to be honest.

So I went back to my room and fucked around for several hours before passing out. I woke up and drove back to school. On the way back, I got another speeding ticket because, in all honesty, I wasn't paying enough attention and thought that when I jumped off a road with 50 mph speed limit, that the next one would be similar. Wrong. It was 35 mph. So I got fucked on that too. So two tickets. Fuck. So I drove home slow as fuckin' balls and then shat out a paper.

So long story short: I drove a collective 11 or 12 hours to see a girl for 4 hours and got two speeding tickets in the process, spending well over 200 buck in the process, neverminding the damn tickets. And I just keep thinking to myself that there's no way that I can justify a relationship with this girl. Not after that weekend. But I'm too 'nice' to hurt her and I really don't know what to do at this point. It's been on my mind all week and it's driving me nuts because I really need to get this off my chest somehow. So, here you go, Xanga.

Recently, I've been feeling, well, let's call 'em pangs of loneliness. Now, let's be honest, my life's pretty great. I don't mean to brag or anything, but shit's more or less where I want it and I feel like I'm starting to get all of my shit taken care of and under control. And more and more, I'm just feeling that life is fucking awesome. But still there's that tiny bit of doubt, that little fucking voice that screams - albeit weakly these days - that something is missing. Now, obviously, given my history, this something is a person to share my wonderful life with.

Now, I've more or less been able to ignore this voice, but the past few days, I've gotten to hang out with a very good friend of mine. Thing about this friend is, she's a girl. And one that I've felt myself attracted to for sometime. I'm not a man of subtlety. Though I sometimes have trouble saying what I mean, it's not hard to decipher. So, she figured out how I felt about her long before I told her and she even made joke about how I failed to be at all subtle about it. It's been, let's say about three years, since I became honest about my feelings for her. Now, it probably bears mentioning that this girl is one of my best friends. So, when I initially mentioned it, the whole thing went, well, nowhere and she ended up with a boyfriend who literally all of her friends - myself obviously included - thought was a terrible idea. But whatever.

Now, I had hoped that in going to college, I might be able to force myself out of my shell and finally find a person to be completely honest with; someone who I wanted to be completely honest with. I understand that this is perhaps a bit overly eager of me, but still, I think you understand that point that I was after a relationship that wasn't simply two buddies hanging out. So, having been unable to find this in two years and seeing this girl several times in this time, I've realized that my feelings for her have in no way faded. So, finally this past summer I gave it a shot and asked her out, simply laying it on the line. It took her some time to decide, the entirety of which I was fuckin' sweating like a damn fuckin' animal. When she finally answered, it was no. Now, I won't lie to you, I fuckin' cried. I'll admit that I'm an overly-sensitive, under-attractive piece of fuckin' shit, so something like this made me fucking weep.

So I decided to get over her. I decided to attempt a sort emotional-severing, if you will. I tried to separate her from all the pent up feelings I had, all the unrequited love that just fucking tore me the fuck apart. And for a time, I was pretty damn bitter since I also happened to be one of the people that she loved to use to complain about her piece of shit boyfriend. And I promise, on this one, I'm not just bitter. The guy treats her like crap, she has complained about the way he treats her on multiple occasions, so please, none of this bullshit that I'm being a jaded mother fucker, which I am, but that has no bearing right now. My point being that in this time, I've felt much less attached to the girl. But a few days ago, I went to dinner with her and one of her parents and try as I might, I couldn't get the idea of spending a 'romantic' night with this girl out of my head. Needless to say that I am still pining over this girl. I mean, I know that nothing will come of it unless the Lord works some sort of magic upon her, but still, I can't seem to get over her.

Tell me readers, all two of you, have you ever had a situation like this? Do you have a sort of unending crush?